Anonymous asked: what colleges do u wannabe to?

Stanford, UC Davis, Sacramento State, Harvey Mudd, UC San Francisco, UCLA, UC San Diego

That’s all I can think up off the top of my head right now.

I’m starting to doubt my future.

My grades are seriously so low right now, and junior year is the most important year! Colleges aren’t going to like my application.

To confess, when I applied for the Questbridge scholarship, I wasn’t really trying, because I didn’t believe that I would get it. I wish I could do it over again, because my family seriously does not have any money to pay for my college tuition.

I’m thinking about my career choice too. I talked to my family about it, and they gave me a look that said, “You think you can handle it?” It lowers my confidence so much because they don’t believe in me. They won’t support me because they think I won’t be able to do it.

Do I really have to fight through life all by myself?

If my original plan fails, I’ll go to community college first, then transfer to a 4 year one. And if not that, I’ll just find a job.

I need to talk to a counselor…

公公

It was March 31, dark outside. I was attempting to study and listening to music via QQ.

My mom had gone back to China because 公公 was really sick, and she wanted to take care of him. I was left with a lifeless house full of men. A part of me wanted to believe that 公公 was going to make it, because death can’t be knocking on our doors, not yet. But a part of me was doubting it because Ma had already gone back to China for the same reason twice before. But somehow, I managed to make myself believe that everything was going to be alright.

It was a perfectly  normal night. My brother handed me the phone. “It’s Mom,” he said. Expecting her to ask us about how we’ve been doing, I answer in a casual tone, “Hello?”

“Joanna?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I responded.

“When Ma came to China, 公公 …” her voice was breaking up, and I sensed something was coming. “公公 was already gone. 公公 is no more!”

I stared at nothing with my mouth agape. A single tear dropped.

“Give the phone to your father,” she sobbed.

I was fully crying by the time I got to the living room, where my dad was doing the usual viewing of the TV and eating of the noodles. 

“Ba…” I choked.

“What?” he asked in annoyance.

“It’s Ma,” I said with a bit of anger toward his attitude.

I gave him the phone and retreated into the closest room: my brother’s room. I bend over, muffling a cry with my hand. I sat on the ground and had my back against the edge of the bed. My eyes were flooding with tears, and my cheek muscles were yanking the ends of my lips down into an eternal frown.

“What?” my brother ignorantly asked. I had a flicker of anger, just like I had with my dad. How dare he not know about this tragedy?! But I was too sad to be mad, and I bluntly moaned what happened.

‘No! This can’t be happening! There’s not way! No! This isn’t true! Things like this don’t happen to normal people! I’m normal! No! This can’t be happening to me!’ was all I thought about while crying. 

My dad came in and embraced me. I had my eyes shut tight, so at first, I thought he was teasing me with the crying sounds he was making because he’s known to be a tough guy. “I didn’t even get a chance to meet him!” I moaned into his shoulder. I continued crying for a few seconds, and opened my eyes to realize that he really was crying. My brothers were not, but I was too heartbroken to have a reaction towards anything at the moment.

After crying in my brother’s room, I went back to mine, and I couldn’t help but cry again. I dropped to my knees and sobbed silently, alone. I went to sleep with 公公 on my mind.

The most upsetting thing was that I never got a chance to meet him. My mom had videos of him and 婆婆 from the other time she went to China. I watched the video of him just lying there in bed, immune to any stimuli. 婆婆 didn’t smile for pictures anymore. I saw another video of him with 婆婆; it was a video message. 婆婆 was pleading, “Ah Mi ya, come to China to make your 婆婆 and 公公 happy, okay?”

At the mention of my name, 公公 started blinking, and his mouth was distorted as he cried out. That was the first movement of my grandfather I had ever seen, and it was a sad one, at the mention of my name.

It seemed like he knew that he was going to pass away soon, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to see me. He loved us so much, and he went to heaven without ever once meeting his own grandchildren. I cried at that time I watched that video, and I cried even harder thinking about it that night I found out he was dead.

Another thing is that I can’t even cry that much, because I didn’t know him. I felt like I was supposed to feel more, but I couldn’t, because he was technically a stranger.

I now have two grandparents who died before they knew me, and that kills me. I didn’t feel like doing anything for two weeks. I was emotionally dead. I didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I just wanted to stay home in bed.

As a semi-attempt to commit suicide, I buried myself in my sheets.

There’s so much to do from here on out, and I’m not finding the drive I used to have to get stuff done. I’m so stressed, and regretting not doing things earlier and better.

What’s wrong with me? Senioritis can’t be real, right?